September 2008


I think I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m no city girl. I was born and lived most of my life in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. A place, for any of you who haven’t ever been there, that is arguably one of the more rural corners of the country.

That meant that I ate strips of venison meat fried in a cast iron pan on an open flame outside of an ice shanty (though we call them “shacks” up there) in the dead of night in the middle of winter. It meant that I went through hunter safety as part of my sixth grade curriculum, learned how to pluck and dress geese and clean a rifle before I hit puberty (not that I could do either anymore). It meant that I went to “camp” (nearly everyone there has one — short for “deer hunting camp”) with my dad, learned to shoot beer cans off of fence posts, and sat frozen-fingered and -toed in a deer blind, watching my breath in the early November mornings waiting for the sight of a deer. It meant that in our district, the first day of hunting season was — and still is — considered a holiday, celebrated by school being canceled that day. (yes, really.) Most of my uncles hunt, as does one of my aunts and a smattering of friends, both male and female.

I’ve made no secret that I have a heart for animals, and that I’ve even struggled with my meat-eating of late. But that’s neither here nor there, because that’s simply my own thing. I have a strong sense for the purpose of hunting, having been raised to understand that everything in nature has its place and its role. In the UP, that meant that a lack of natural predators in the area equaled an overgrowth of deer…and that deer population, left unchecked by hunting, meant a landscape that couldn’t support all those deer during the winter…and that meant deer starving to death. So I respect those who hunt, who spare the deer that horrible fate of slowly freezing or dying of starvation. Just because I chose not to hunt doesn’t mean I think it’s wrong.

But this? This is.

I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. Even if I don’t subscribe to them myself, I like hearing about and discussing views different from my own. I don’t often (ever?) think that my way of thinking is the only way to go. I shy away from deeming things “right” or “wrong” as a matter of course.

But aerial hunting of wolves? Someone please explain to me how or why or in what logical universe this would be not only necessary, but accepted.

I still can’t wrap my head around the idea that some in Alaska feel the need to run down wolves from low-flying airplanes either until the animals collapse from exhaustion, only to be shot at point-blank range, or until the shooter gets a clean line of sight from the air. Where is the sport in this? What is the need?

It’s akin to baiting deer — a practice that many states have outlawed — because it gives the hunter such a ridiculous advantage over the hunted. It takes the “sport” element out, and replaces it with straight-up barbarianism.

Can wolves be problematic? You’re darn right they can. Especially here in Wisconsin where their habitat butts right up against the myriad of farms that dot this state. I also used to work for the state natural resources agency, and I watched as bear hunters filed into a meeting, empty dog leashes with empty dog collars draped around their necks for the loyal companions they lost to wolves. I saw the photographs of shredded cattle, family dogs with their backs torn open to the spine from wolf packs. And these are not easy things to look at by any means. But in that job capacity, I sat through meeting after meeting on wolves as they were being de-listed. I listened to biologists and wolf specialists talk about the benefits of a healthy wolf population, and ways to control them.

Does Wisconsin have the market cornered on effective wolf population control? Maybe not yet. But I’m proud to say that in this state, they’re working on it, every day — they’re working to figure out what’s best for the wolves and all of us who share the land with them. And hunting wolves with automatic weapons from airplanes is no where on the horizon.

So it’s hard to imagine why a state like Alaska, with its massive land mass and teeny-tiny per-square-mile population…with a whole lot less farms sharing the land with wolves…and with a lot of its economy built around the natural beauty and wildlife one can see there…would feel the need to make something like this legal.

It just blows my mind.

That’s what it sounds like around this little corner of the bloggosphere.

You see, a few weeks ago — maybe a month ago — I discovered I was having problems with my knee. Problems that came in the form of sharp, stabbing pain under my kneecap in the general area of my patella. So a took a few days off, and then commenced running. Stabbing pain continued, and took over other areas of my life, like riding my horse, driving a car, and sitting at a desk. Pretty much anything that involved a bent knee for any length of time equaled pain.

So I took a week off. Continued pain.

And then another. Still there.

I stretched and iced and rested. (For the record, I didn’t go to the doctor. I know what this is, and there’s nothing the doctor could do, I don’t think, other than prescribe stretches, which a fellow triathlete already gave me for the same problem he had had last year).

And here I am, a month out from the Marine Corps Marathon without the problem resolved.

And so, today, I deferred my registration until next year.

Because the thing is, I’ve run a marathon before just to finish. And I’ve also run one with a specific time goal in mind — a goal that drove my decision-making that day and caused me to try to run through the pain I felt….pain that I’m not altogether sure isn’t related to this little issue I’ve been having lately. And to be honest, if I’m going to do a marathon these days, it’s going to be because I’m ready to run that mutha; not just finish it. Although I had a great start to my training and was completely on track for a PR, the Marine Corps Marathon now, after a month of non-healing-healing, would’ve been a “just get the miles in” sort of effort.

But marathons are hard with a capital H, and these days, Erin don’t play “just finish.” If I’m going to hurt my body like 26 miles hurts at any pace, I’m going to make it a finish to be proud of.

I expected to feel let down after I clicked through my deferment. I expected to feel a little bit like a wimp, a chicken, or any other number of things. But what I felt was relieved.

You see, sitting in our living room and kitchen right now are boxes and boxes of things — the last remnants of my life from my condo — with nowhere to go. No place for them to call home, because every shelf, nook, and cranny of our house is already chalk full of stuff. And I’m panicking that in a few short months, more stuff will arrive in the form of wedding gifts. And that stuff will have no real home either.

Add to that a full time job plus a part-time teaching gig that I recently took on, a few freelance writing commitments here and there, and oh yeah, a WEDDING that is to take place in three months (seriously, how did it happen that it’s that close ALREADY?!), and I could use the extra few hours on Saturday morning, or in-between work and teaching at night, normally spent running to, say, take a deep breath and not drown in my own life.

I haven’t had a “normal” (i.e. non-endurance-event-training) schedule in so long, and right about now is the perfect time for it.

The upside is that it’s a boon for my sanity. The downside is that I have nothing much to say and seemingly less time to say it…so for now, chirping crickets will have to do.

Normally I reserve this space strictly for triathlon-related musings. I like to respect that, because I know that’s what people check in here for (so, warning, if that’s what you’re her cruising for, don’t bother reading ahead. Just check back in in a few days’ time.) And normally, I don’t discuss politics unless a) someone outright asks me for my opinion, or b) unless I’m amongst close friends. And even then, usually a) is the go-to choice. But, this being my blog and all, and not a lot going on in my world triathlon-wise, I can’t help but mull over my opinions on what has been really, truly top-of-mind for me lately. Mainly, that I’ve been utterly captivated by the circus surrounding Sarah Palin since she was announced the GOP’s veep pick nearly two weeks ago, to the point where I can barely think/write about anything else. And it’s taken me nearly that long to figure out exactly why, but I think I’ve finally nailed what it is that’s been bugging me so.

It’s not the hoopla surrounding her daughter’s pregnancy, or the almost-scandals swirling out there on the bloggosphere, the ethics investigation, or the who’s-more-qualified-than-who stuff, or any number of other points that have been brought up.

Nope, it’s none of those things.

What really, really gets me is the fact that, as a woman, I’m beyond offended by McCain’s choice of running mate and his subsequent handling of her.

If he had chosen Joe Lieberman like it was rumored that he wanted to, I would’ve been inspired by his willingness to buck the system — to go with a former Democrat with an independent streak of his own.

If he would’ve chosen Condi Rice for her extensive foreign relations expertise and smarts (lots of them) — ties to the Bush administration be damned! — I could’ve easily gotten on board with that.

Or if he would’ve chosen any number of other known quantities — Pawlenty, Giuliani, Huckabee, Romney, Jindal, etc. — it would’ve been perfectly logical.

But what did he do? He looked for a woman — and not very carefully, either — in an attempt to swing former Hillary supporters his way…a calculated, cynical move that was illustrated in Palin’s acceptance speech in Ohio when she noted that “Hillary left 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling in America… but it turns out the women of America aren’t finished yet and we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all.”

Don’t get me wrong. Is it high time for a woman to hold one of the top couple of spots in the free world? Absolutely. But I can’t help but be deeply offended, because in choosing Palin, John McCain has counted on women to ignore issues and policy — to ignore the fact that he’s voted against equal pay for equal work measures, the Family Medical Leave Act, and a raise in the minimum wage (which hits single moms the hardest)…and that she’s against abortion even in the face of rape or incest, and made women pay for their own rape kits — and hope for a bounce simply on the basis of gender.

I’m offended that the McCain campaign has touted her qualifications, yet has kept her tightly-scripted and sequestered from the press, with less than 60 days left in this election — making it impossible for the Fourth Estate to do its job and letting us decide for ourselves if she’s worthy of my vote, or that of any other woman…or, for that matter, American.

And I’m offended that the McCain camp seems to think Palin needs to be treated with kid gloves: they say she’ll only do interviews where she’s treated with “respect and deference“, and feel the need to stick up for her against imagined “smears”. They’re treating her like the princess in the tower — something I can’t imagine they would’ve done with any male they might have picked, and in doing so with Palin, I have a hard time imagining a more sexist message could be sent.

Here’s what I say to them: If she’s as competent and qualified as you claim, then put her out there and let her do her thing. Sink or swim. Have her barnstorm around the country doing interview after interview on the stump. After all, this is the second-in-charge of the free world that we’re talking about. It’s a serious thing, this election. And trying to stage a “choice” for the American people by only letting us see Palin in tightly-controlled situations and diverting our attention of actual issues by crying “sexism” at every turn isn’t just sneaky and underhanded, it’s sexist in its own right…as well as undemocratic.

And here’s what I say to my fellow female Americans: If you’re going to vote for the McCain-Palin ticket because you believe in their policies and you come down on the same side as they do on important issues, well then, well on you. No argument here.

But if you’re supporting McCain-Palin simply because you want a woman in the #2 — or #1 (after all, 35% of veeps become president) — spot in the country, please put some thought into that choice. Consider your position a little deeper. Examine the issues. Look at the candidate’s websites. Ask questions that are important to you and then search out the answers.

Putting Palin in that spot because you “relate” to her, or because she can multitask and juggle family and a career and seems “organized,” or because she’d be “fun to run a 10k with” (all reasons given by women interviewed by CNN) is not good enough.

The whole world is watching us. We have a housing crisis, a flailing economy, a war, and a failing health care system to deal with. So forget for a minute that Palin seems like a hockey mom you’d like to hang out with, or that she’s a mom at all. Forget that she’s a frontier woman from Alaska, or a woman at all. Get down to the issues. Expect answers. And vote informed…not on matching body parts.

“Not having a rule to live by by the time you get into Sunday’s volunteering is like being in high school and deciding if you’re ready while in the back seat with your pants off.”

That was xt4’s advice to me last week.

Last week, when I was still mulling this all over. Last week when I was alternating between butterflies and “thank god I’m not worrying about gear bags right now.” Last week when I still didn’t have a clue as to how I felt about where I was in my head. About it all in general.

I missed the long, hard rides and runs and swims of the last summer. I missed having an excuse — or a reason — to ride all day. I missed the way my body felt at the end of the week: tired, but taught…screaming, yet proud.

But I didn’t miss the having to juggle workouts with commitments to family and friends. The unrelenting schedule. The never sleeping in on a weekend. And I wasn’t completely sure that even if my body was willing to re-enlist, my mind felt the same. I felt as though I was balancing on the edge of burnout this whole season, and that this, Ironman, is too sacred an undertaking to treat lightly.

At the same time, though, after Racine, I could hardly wait to get back out on the road. Taking a week off felt like torture. I wanted to go harder, longer, faster. Had someone dangled Ironman in front of me then, I most certainly would’ve jumped at it.

And so, I went into Sunday still with only a giant question mark to substitute for actual thoughts. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t, couldn’t take X’s advice. I just had to wait to see how I felt.

After a quick stop at Fourbucks, Chief of Stuff, Megan, Cheese and I (plus two very excited/concerned Vizslas) all congregated on the patio of my office, directly across from the start, to watch the swim at 6:30-ish. And in that ever-brighter early morning light, my eyes welled up.

I was a part of this. I did this. And now, all of these people — this day — so much promise for them, too.

It’s almost a religious experience, Ironman morning. I’d really question the humanity of anyone who didn’t feel the same.

From there we moved on to breakfast, and then, eventually, to the bike course. So much energy. So much drive, determination, and sheer grit.

And from there we dropped two tired Vizslas off at home and headed to the State Street aid station where I handed out pretzels for four hours. Again, it was amazing to see this up close. The sticktuitiveness of all those who just. kept. going. One foot in front of the other, mile after mile, hour after hour. All body shapes and sizes. All different stories of what got them here, what drove them to sign up in the first place, and what kept driving them in the early early mornings or late late nights when their bodies had long since begged to stop.

And from there, XT4, CoS and I headed up to the finish line with its lights and cheers and tears and Mike Riley saying to athletes, “Welcome home. You are an Ironman.”

It was inspiring, as it always is. Seeing so much hard work and grit pay off in such an incredibly big way. And it brought tears to my eyes, as it always does.

But I didn’t want to be out there.

I surprised myself with that. I expected the whole day long that I’d be brought to my knees by the desire to do this again next year. To be out there. To be a part of it.

Therein, though, lies the crux. I believe that my drive to experience Ironman the first time around was brought on by two distinct wants — to see if I, too, could do accomplish this crazy, huge thing; and to be a part of it.

Check, and check.

I worried for a time that if I spent too much time away from the game that is Ironman, and not just triathlon, that I’d simply drift farther and farther away, and never get it back. But Sunday, I found that I still feel part of it all. I can still wear my IM visor proudly. I can still talk about that day — that year — with fondness and pride. And I can do all that without having to prove myself year after year.

There will be another Ironman. Chief of Stuff even said he believed that wouldn’t be my last one, and he’s pretty much had my very best interests at heart and has been my biggest cheerleader since the day I met him. And right now, there’s a tentative long-range plan in that direction. But we’ve both agreed that next year is not meant to be, and I’m at peace with that. I don’t feel as though I’m giving something up to compromise.

I also know that having defined my motivation for the first time around, I need to figure out what that motivation is going to be again before I can even consider tackling this a second time. Because in those dark, dark hours when you don’t know if you can hang on to your 1 millionx100 repeats, or the 10×20 minutes in aerobars, or the 200th hill on the Dairyland Dare, you need to know why. Or if you can’t put it into words, you need to at least feel it, deep down, in your bones — in your soul. And because I imagine, for so many reasons, the second is harder than the first. So you’ve got to be ready to bring it. All of it.

And me…I’ll be ready eventually. Just not now.

But on that note, I pour out many congratulations and HUGE internet high fives to TriAl, Jen and Shane, Thomps, and Rural Girl, who each became Ironman again on Sunday. Simply amazing. Me = in awe.

And next year, it’s looking like I get to cheer XT4 and Mr. Lup to a second Ironman. Absolutely can not wait — to see them do this, again, to be inspired, and maybe just maybe, to do a pants check for 2010.